what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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