I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize