i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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