She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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