Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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