Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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