actually, I'm a sock model
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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