Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
