That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No stitches, just platelets and will power
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
