Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
