...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
