She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
