I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
