he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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