im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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