Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
