he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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