There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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