I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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