come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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