His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
