You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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