why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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