Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
