Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
