I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
