did you get engaged???
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
