Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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