It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize