and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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