It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
