I looked at my own cervix.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
