he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize