He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
