also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
