Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
