I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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