Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
