now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
