I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
