your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
