I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
