i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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