So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize