Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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