Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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