We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
