I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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