There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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