so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I forget how to act sober
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
