The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
