I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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