There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
