Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You dont lie about slip and slides
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
