I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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